Quick 8: Conservatives I Would Like to See Waterboarded

Knowing that torture rarely results in useful information, I would use waterboarding as torture in its most classical of forms: as a means to get people to make statements that they don't believe are true. You can ask John McCain about this because the Viet-Cong did it to him. It's a tried and true method that has worked for despots all over the world. So what would I like to see conservatives say? Hmm ...

1. Liz Cheney - I'd like to see the former Vice-President's idiot daughter forced to admit that she's dumber than either of the Bush twins. (You sure don't see the Bush twins on television condoning torture while simultaneously claiming that we don't torture.)


2. T.C. Ann Coulter - I would like to see Coulter forced to admit that, yes, that thing in her throat is an Adam's Apple and that she underwent sexual reassignment surgery at some point in the early 1990s. I'd also like to have her forced to admit that the real reason she hates Bill Clinton is because he didn't hit on her.


3. Sean Hannity - I would make Sean Hannity admit that he voted for Jimmy Carter instead of Ronald Reagan in 1980.


4. Michelle Malkin - I would like to see "Bimbo Michelle" forced to admit that she has a shirtless picture of President Obama sitting on her nightstand so she can, uh, "fantasize" about him every night when she gets in bed. I want to hear her refer to President Obama as "that sexy thing".


5. Michael Savage - I would live to see Savage forced to admit his latent homosexuality and how he dreams of sodomy every single night.


6. Glenn Beck - In my fantasy torture world, I would make Beck admit that all of his right wing conspiracy are a bunch of hooey. He would have to admit that Obama will never take people's guns away. He would have to admit that Obama is not a communist intent on instituting a dictatorship. He would have to admit that you can't call the same man a fascist and a communist.


7. Rush Limbaugh - How awesome would be to hear Limbaugh admit that he is, in fact, a big fat idiot? I'd also like to see him forced to admit that Al Franken is not only a better man and a smarter man, but that he was a better radio man.


8. The Dick Cheney - If we could waterboard Dick Cheney, then we should force him to admit that he is Darth Vader, that he has eaten the brains of several small children, and that he dreams of the day that he gets to meet the real Satan face to face to thank him for his inspiration. I'd also make him admit that George W. Bush was an awful President.

For those of you who are humor impaired, this is a joke. I don't believe torture is justified, even for these people.